Avoid saying

I know I rant and rave a lot oh well I guess that's what this blog is for........... I found this yesterday..........Here are some phrases to avoid saying:

"It was meant to be."
"It was for the best."
"Your baby is in a better place now."
"Time heals all wounds."
"I know exactly how you feel." (even if you have experienced a similar loss)
"At least you have other children." or "you can always have another baby."

If only I had a dollar for all the times I heard these........I know people only mean well but.......he might be in a better place but would I have been such a bad parent?? Time heals all wounds....maybe...............but doubtful this will never be something I will forget...........I will never forget Parker.....

due date

So today would have been my due date.............hard to believe that days ago Parker would have been 3 months.........Crazy not where I expected to be in my life.....So many people out there do not take care of their kids..........Yet I would have gave parker anything that I could........I would have done anything for that little boy......Life just isn't fair sometimes............:(

Aug...really not what i figured it would be............

At this point in my life..........i really would be thinking about making sure everyone is where its supposed to be  on pakers room or at any day i could of had baby parker............why do they tell you not to blame youself when its so hard not to.........then i just have to sit and say to myself i did nothing wrong!!! but its so hard being out and seeing people who can't take care of their kids but god is giving them more.....i just dont understand......................i did everything write i dont smoke, drink, or do drugs.........yet step back and look at all the people who can do all 3 of those and have kids..............not caring about what it could do to the baby...............they dont care............maybe i am just being really hateful but quite frankly.........it pisses me off.......parker will know that his mommy did and would have done everything right for him........

end of vacation...........

As our vaycay is over i must say not a minute went by that i didnt think of parker....but i knew he was here with me the whole time.......it just sucks........its hard to believe that you have been gone for 2 months and 2 days.............i love you more then anything parker and always will......i hope you enjoyed watching us from heaven

finishing thank you cards........

I sit up at midnight finishing thank you cards.......its really hard because instead of doing thank you cards for gifts you sent for Parker's funeral I feel i should be sending thank you cards for baby shower gifts....I should be thankful for the days I had for him because lately I have seen that some people aren't so lucky......I am lucky that I got to sit and watch him in the nicu........and hold him, and change his diapers even if it was only a few times.....I can't help but wonder what could have been.......what if he would have made it.....I think everyone should check out the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me.........great song......

Really 2 months?

It is really hard to believe that its been 2 months since you decided to enter this world.....if only you could have waited longer....you probably would have made it!!  Not a day goes by that i don't think about you.....today you would have been 2 months old.......I would have loved for you to stay with me! but I just have to keep praying that you are well taken care of in heaven!